With Whom You are Madly and Deeply in Love With

I have a spiritual director.  He is awesome.  We click on so many levels, but one of the best things about him is that he keeps me accountable in regards to my relationship with God.  I try to see him monthly, but being the Summer, we went almost two months without getting together.  It was certainly time and there was much to discuss.  Now, there are always things that I leave with to reflect on, to work on, to pray about but this week I left with something that knocked me off my spiritual rocker in such a good way.

Each session ends with setting the next appointment and a blessing.  Instead of being seated, this time, my spiritual director and I were standing.  He raised his hand to pray over me and said these words, "Please bless your daughter, with whom you are madly, deeply in love with."  I flinched at those words.  Excuse me, what did you say?

With whom you are madly, deeply in love with.  Someone is in love with me?!  Not just someone, THE One is in love with me.  What does that even mean?  How can that even be true?  Why had I not thought about that before?

I'm no different than any other girl, fantasizing about falling in love, desiring to be in love, hoping to fall in love.  I have never been in love.  I have seen it happen to my friends.  I have witnessed it in my family.  I've read about it in books and in movies, but never have I been in romantic love with anyone.  Infatuation?  Of course.  Lust?  Yes.  Love? Nope.  I've recently been talking to God about it and asking "When is it my turn?".  I read a really interesting love story and kept saying to myself and to God, "See that?  That's what I want."

I never stopped to realize that someone was already in love with me.  As I left my spiritual director's office, I just kept saying that phrase over and over in my head.  But you know what else happened?  I stood up a little straighter.  I held my head a little higher.  I had a little more patience.  I felt braver, confident.  I had a lot more laughter.  I was straight up, happier.  Think about it, what does it mean for someone to be madly in love with you?  It doesn't just affect you, but everyone around you.  It affects how you look at the world, how you look at the person in front of you.  It affects the way you act, how you carry yourself, how you think.  Someone thinks that you are worth of being in love with.  Someone thinks you are awesome.  Something thinks the world of you.  It touches us on so many levels.

The craziest part is that He loves me even though He knows what a complete mess I really am.  I can hide nothing from Him because He already knows everything.  And yet, I'm the one who runs away, dodges, ignores His love....His perfect, infinite love.  It's....I mean.....really, there are no words.  I can't even begin to wrap my head around it.

The only way I can begin to understand this is through my niece, the love of my life.  I am 100% head over heels in love with this beautiful, amazing, sweet girl.  The love I feel for her is never ending...it's constantly growing.  It's the jump right out of your chest, completely intoxicating love.  I would die for her, I would kill for her, I would move mountains for her.  I know that in my human state, I couldn't move mountains, but you will never see another human try harder than me to achieve this for her.  Now, if I'm talking like this about a 7 year old....how does that translate into God being in love with me.  See!  You can't help me become overwhelmed.  Shy, but ecstatic all at the same time.  Humbled, but wanting to do nothing but shout it from the roof tops!  It's really incredible.

I ask for love all the time.  I look for love...all the time.  I want to be loved....always.  How did I not understand that He's been madly, deeply in love with me this whole time?  I'm glad He's perfect.......and patient.


Romans 8: 38-39
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, not present things, nor future things, nor peers, not height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

One whole year

February 16th marked my one full year as a new director of development at the University Catholic Center.    I cannot believe it's already a year and at the same time, I can't believe it's only been a year.  I have learned so much about myself, my spirituality, and my career in this year.

I left a job that was both emotionally and physically draining.  I left b/c I could go no further in my organization, it was not a good working situation, and it was time.  When you know that you are hurting your project instead of helping, it's time to go.  When you don't believe in the direction of where the agency is going, you gotta go.  When you cry at work b/c of stupidity, you gotta go.

Though I may question it from time to time, I made a good choice.  I have learned and experienced so much and I know it will continue.  And guess what, it turns out I'm pretty good at this stuff.

I don't know why I thought to write this week, but I just felt it in me.  I had one of the most challenging weeks at my job to date.  I wish I could go into more detail, but let's just leave it at that.  I was tested in all ways and thought for sure that I wouldn't make it to the time I had committed to a fellow co-worker.  When I have these days, the question I am always asked is: When is the bad going to start outweighing the good? I always tell them that no matter how much I complain about this particular problem, I know deep in my heart of hearts that this is where I am called to be.  How do I know this?  God.

Though my spirituality has been tested to the greatest degree at my current job, it has also grown in a much deeper way.  At the beginning of my job I was struggling.  I was struggling with working in a church that had only been my place of worship.  I struggled with understanding what my job entailed.  I struggled with starting over.  I struggled balancing working for the church and worshipping weekly.  Every single step of the way, I knew I was being taken care of.  I remember vividly sitting in Eucharistic Adoration with students and just pleading with God, "Help me.  I can't do this without you.  Please, God, help me."  And He did and continues to do so.

Monday was a day that bounced b/t being amazingly great and dramatically bad.  God sent me an honor from the Diocese.  Tuesday was a long day after a long night and He sent me an ally that I didn't ask for.  Wednesday was confronting injustice and I was met with a good friend in the parking lot and a great workout.  Today, God sent me flowers through an angel.  That was just this week!

If I had to sum up the past year it would be that change is hard, but not impossible.  I would say that there are always learning experiences and ways to grow.  I would also say that we never walk alone and prayer is a powerful thing.

I am grateful and blessed for this experience.  God will tell me when it's time to go, so for now I keep on moving forward and doing my small part to build up the kingdom and ensure that Catholic students at the University of Texas have a spiritual home.

Coach Mack Brown and me! A dream come true.  

Would not have happened without working at the UCC.  

Three time's a charm

I have been told by 3 different people in the past two weeks that I should start a blog.  Little did they know that I already had one b/c of a school assignment, but never did anything with it.  I believe that the Holy Spirit works in threes.  When the third sign comes, it's time to pay attention.

I am living a really busy life right now.  Some would argue that I've always been busy, but I think this is the busiest I've ever been with a lot of responsibilities.  I may have been busy before b/c of social commitments, but never have I been busy to the point where I have to look at free time as a reward for getting all that I have to do done.  I do not like living that way.

I am about to complete my first year in my job, I'm a thesis away from my Master's in organizational leadership and communication, and I'm a daughter, Tia, friend, sister, parish council member, volunteer, etc...  Free time is hard to find, but I believe that what I am doing is for the greater good and so I push through.

The greater good.  I use that phrase a lot.  I approach my job, my life, and my responsibilities that way.  I blame being the oldest and always thinking of the future.  I am getting my degree b/c I'm going to need it to be competitive in my next job.  I'm taking the road less traveled in my job b/c I want the work that I do to make a greater impact on the future than immediate temporary fixes.  I'm a great daughter, Tia, friend, etc. b/c I think that these people, my faith, all that I do will be there for me when I need them most.  They are already there for me.

The greater good.  I think a lot of the problems we're seeing in our country today is b/c we have failed to think about the greater good and have been too impatient to see how planning for the future will benefit so many people in the future.  We plug holes instead of building a strong foundation.  If our foundation isn't strong, then how we can expect anything but failure?  Then you're stuck with working backwards instead of being able to move forward.

I have a pretty intense job and I look forward to the day when I'm not trying to write a thesis in the middle of it all.  I love what I do and I love what the organization does, but being a newbie in the organization you have to fight against comments like "Well this is how it's always been done."  I hate that response.  Yup, I used the word hate.  Let's be honest, it's a cop out and it puts a stop to any kind of new ideas or thinking outside the box.

But, I also have to remember that I'm a grown up now and I am able to run my office the way that I best see fit.  As long as my intentions are good and put the organization's best interests ahead of everything then I can proceed with a clear conscience......in theory.  I'm still figuring that balance out, but here's hoping it can be done.  I was hired for a reason and I have to put my talents to good use for the greater good.

I think this blog thing is going to be a good outlet in the midst of craziness, in the midst of confusing times, in the midst of wanting to give up.  It will be for the greater good of my sanity.